“A Lesson From an Almost Empty Nest” by Rica McRoy

Let them fail.

These three little words have helped shape the best and hardest pearl of parenting wisdom I have ever received. When we first heard these words from the administration of our children’s school I was skeptical, to say the least. To be clear, they were not advocating that we abdicate our responsibility as parents or let our children harm themselves or others.

They were saying, allow failure to train and teach your children while they are still under your care.

I come from a rich cultural heritage that has many commendable attributes, but it also has a reputation of idolizing academic achievement. You may think esteeming good grades is an asset rather than a liability and it can be. Unless academic achievement is elevated to idol status.

So, given my heritage, imagine the challenge of parenting a child that earned their way to the A, B, C and yes, even D “not-so-honorable” honor roll. I can remember the days that my stomach would churn over yet another email alerting us to a poor grade. I wanted to swoop in and save the day. I wanted to hover over every assignment, read over every paper and come to the rescue.

Let them fail.

The recommendation of our school leadership echoed in my mind.

Sure, it is easy for them to say. It’s not their kid.

My reticence to heed their wisdom exposed my heart. I realized that if I allowed my identity to be wrapped in my child’s life, I would rise and fall on their victories and failures.

That is shifting sand.

I could finally see that if I was willing to take ownership of their mistakes, it meant I believed I deserved glory for their wins.

Ouch.

I realized that I was being influenced by fear of what other people would think of us as parents.

Ouch again.

I was faced with the realization that I did not trust God to redeem their mistakes.

That one hurt the most.

We decided to begin applying the truth of the Gospel to our identity as parents and theirs as our children. This enabled us to begin stepping back in in love.

Maybe you can relate.

It was hard and humbling but unexpectedly liberating! We began to enjoy our children more and were empowered to exercise a love that was not tethered to performance.

This one decision caused us to relinquish our plans and hopes for all three children. We were freed to begin shepherding their hearts towards God’s call on their lives. Again and again, we were all reminded that the love of Christ was the only thing that was truly worth knowing. In response to God’s love, we could be free to do our best and release the expectation of a particular outcome.

As our hearts opened to receive God’s grace as parents, it became easier to extend that grace to our children.

Love was driving out fear and we began applying the pearl to every aspect of their lives.

Let them fail.

Over the years, they failed in many different ways. So did we. When that happened, we walked back to the cross together and started anew.

They began to flourish. Their identity began to be conformed to who they are in Christ.

We were learning right alongside them.

That is solid ground.

So now, as the last of our children is ready to leave the nest, I hand you this pearl.

Let them fail. Allow failure to teach and train your children while they are still under your care.

People of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you. Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying “This is the way; walk in it.” Then you will desecrate your idols…

Isaiah 30:19-22 NIV

Question: How is God speaking to you about failure and identity?

Written by Rica McRoy ~

Rica McRoy was stubbornly agnostic while being raised in a devout and loving Hindu home. Her life unraveled in her late twenties which led to a head-on collision with the grace of Christ.  Nothing in Rica’s life has ever been the same.

Her desire is to walk in the fullness of a life with Christ as a wife to Spike, Momma to Rily, Parker and Sophie, optometrist, and member of the body of Christ in her hometown of Huntsville, Alabama. Spurred by the Holy Spirit, Rica reads and writes, learns and teaches, listens and speaks with a passion for people of all nations to see the hope of their calling in Christ Jesus.

Tags: Empty Nest, Failure, identity, parenting, Rica McRoy, Soul Food, Wisdom