“Bad Day at School? 5 Things Parents Shouldn’t Do” by May Patterson
I could see my daughter’s crushed little spirit even before she got into the car. Her shoulders drooped as she looked up at me with big, despondent brown eyes.
School had not gone well. Again.
One of the girls had said something mean to her on the playground.
A teacher had yelled at her for standing in the wrong lunch line.
Her “friends” told her she couldn’t join their study group.
She told me all about it, as tears gushed down her cheeks. I bit my lip to keep from saying, I’m going to straighten this out, right now. Instead I said, “You’ve just started middle school! Pray about it and keep your head up–everything will be okay.”
But I didn’t take my own advice. When we got home, I crumbled.
Like every mother, I wanted school to be a wonderful experience. In fact, I sort of dreamed that middle school would be marvelous fun (what was I thinking?). Then, disappointment set in. Soon, I began blaming myself: Had I chosen the wrong school for her? Did I fail to prepare her for middle school? If I was a better parent…
I felt like I had to fix it all. Right. Then.
Frustration and guilt raged through my mind as I tossed and turned that night. I was teary and red-eyed all the next day.
Maybe the beginning of school has been tough for your child, too. If so, it may be tempting to fall into despair, blame yourself, or to try to fix it.
Breathe. Don’t overreact like I did.
Here’s what I’ve learned not to do:
1. Cry, get riled up, fly off the handle.
Although this may provide temporary relief, remember how closely your kids watch you. If you overreact, they probably will, too. Believe me, it’s better to remain calm than to let those irrational, mama bear feelings get out of hand.
2. Find something to feel guilty about.
After all, your children’s happiness depends solely on you, right? Seriously, no matter what you do, your children will have bad days and tough school years. Expect it. I tortured myself by asking “Why did this happen?” and “Where did I go wrong?” These gloomy questions kept me thinking about myself, rather than her.
3. Second-guess every parenting decision. Rehash. Agonize.
Saying “woulda, coulda, shoulda” is a trap that robs the joy out of parenting. Here’s the truth: sometimes, you will make bad decisions. Sometimes, your kids will. I’m learning to pray, decide, and then choose to trust God, instead of choosing to look back. This verse really helps me do this: “Cast all your [parenting] anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7, my paraphrase).
4. Talk your kids OUT of feeling sad or angry.
Many times, I’ve tried to talk my children out of their feelings. But I’ve learned that it’s best to acknowledge how they feel and to assure them that I’ve been there, too. Giving children space to feel their feelings, is better than trying to spare them. After the space of a good cry or playing outside, you can gently help them regain perspective.
5. Try to “fix” every problem so your kids will have it easy.
Don’t miss seeing the golden spiritual opportunity bad days can provide, like I did. Problems can cause children to cling to God like never before—that is, unless Mama goes down to the school and tries to “fix” it (which, regretfully, I’ve done before). Use each hard situation to point your children to the Lord; He can help them more than you can.
My daughter ended up having a pretty tough sixth-grade year. But eventually, things got better. She found a sweet group of friends and even made the cheer squad. Her struggle taught her to work through difficulty. And thankfully, it taught me a lot, too.
Maybe you will pick up a dejected child from school this week. As you watch him or her approach the car with earnest, tear-filled eyes, a sick, I’ll-fight-to-make-it-right feeling may course through your heart.
Breathe. Your reaction is important. Remember what you shouldn’t do.
Instead, try this:
• Accept that each struggle has value:
“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us—they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady.” (Romans 5:3-4, TLB)
• Believe that God is aware of your struggle:
“You know what I long for, Lord; you hear my every sigh.” (Psalm 38:9, NLT)
• Decide to trust in God’s love and direction for this new school year:
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.” (Proverbs 3:4-5, NLT)
• Pray over the school year. To help you pray, I’m offering this free prayer guidebook, called “Back-to-School Prayers.” For 7 days it will guide you to pray earnestly for your child this year. Each day features a devotional, verses, a prayer focus and writing space. Save this journal until the end of school and then look at it again—you may be surprised at how the Lord answered you. To get your free guide, click here.
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*This post originally appeared on Crosswalk.com, click here to read it.
~ Written by May Patterson ~
May Patterson, author of the book Seeking a Familiar Face, began writing in response to God’s grace. And by His grace, she has written articles for magazines such as Focus on the Family, Crosswalk and Upper Room, and she speaks at a variety of events. Her desire is to help people draw closer to God. May is married to her dear friend Mike and they have three grown children. She has a great love for the outdoors, travel and blogging at maypatterson.com.
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