“Beautifully Broken”

by Ashley Smith

“ I have created you to worship me and me alone. I want to use you to write songs for my people to comfort them and draw them closer to me through the Spirit in music.”

These words would forever change my life and the path I was walking along.

I was raised going to church but it was the kind when your parents “make” you go. It wasn’t till I was 15 years old that I started attending another church where my friends were going and I began to hear about Jesus in a way I hadn’t had the ears to hear before. I went on a mission trip and on a bitter cold 14-degree night I retreated to the boys bathroom (the only place with heat) where I laid down my life for Christ.
I began playing the guitar when I was 17 years old and then started leading worship when I went to Auburn University. I had always journaled, even as a little girl, and so I began to marry my words and guitar melodies and turn them into songs.
And one morning God spoke.

“ I have created you to worship me and me alone. I want to use you to write songs for my people to comfort them and draw them closer to me through the Spirit in music.”

I knew my calling and I put everything I had into it. I got married to the man of my dreams who loves Jesus and actually got saved on that very same mission trip in the freezing cold. Isn’t God awesome?! My dream was to lead worship at a local church and after spending years leading in their youth group they opened a contemporary venue where I eventually had the privilege of leading. Years passed and we began to have children. Our first little girl Addison was born and after our second daughter Hayden was born, I had some complications and had two surgeries back to back. Then it happened. My life would be forever changed. I had gotten addicted to pain pills. I did not know how to stop. This would be a battle I would fight for many years. I eventually added alcohol to the mix as well. It eased the shame I would feel leading worship on a Sunday morning and living as a hypocrite behind closed doors. I was too scared to ask for help and too guilty. We had our third child Nolan and things began to get really bad after that. I felt as though I was a lost cause knowing this would eventually come to an end and it would not be pretty.

I had gotten caught and had an intervention and ended up going to treatment for a month and for me it wasn’t long enough and I knew it. I had come back home with all of the same fears and shame and hadn’t fully released them to the only One strong enough, compassionate enough, and merciful enough to handle it.

I went back to treatment about a year later this time long term. I was desperate. I was a tornado in the lives of everyone around me, especially my family. I spent five months in a treatment center in Florence, Alabama called A New Beginning. This was a 12-step faith-based program that showed me how to live a sober life. They taught me that my pride and my ego were enormous. One thing I heard and loved was that I had an overinflated ego with an inferiority complex.

Think about that for a minute. Outside I was fine! Everything was perfect. I had even taken pride in “getting away” with things. That’s sickening to say today but it was true then. Inside I was dying, comparing myself to everyone and wanting what everyone else had. Not even the thought of my kids who I loved with all my heart could help me stop. So it was there I learned all of these profound things and humility began to take over. I had surrendered. God began to do for me what I could not do for myself. When I got back, things were different. It took a while to get adjusted and there were many counseling sessions and many meetings at Alcoholics Anonymous, which I still attend regularly, that helped me stay sober and well, somewhat sane, haha.

I had even gotten a job at a church and slowly began leading worship again.
I felt called to record an album of all of the songs I had written through this process. I wrote about all of the hurts, fears, and remorse to the joy celebrations and redemptions.

I recorded “Beautifully Broken” in Nashville in the summer of 2016 and it is my favorite project to date because it’s 100 percent real. It’s the raw genuine mercy of Jesus Christ redeeming what was dead and brought back to life by Him and Him alone.
He gave me verses like

2 Corinthians 1:3,4 “Praise be to God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all of our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God”

And

Isaiah 43:18,19 “Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

I had gotten a love for the Word again and wanted more. It’s not always easy. There are days I struggle and days that are full of rejoicing. But it’s worth it. Today I have the privilege of sharing God’s story of what he did through me to help others and for Him to receive all of the glory. I get to lead women’s events and listen to others’ stories of how amazing our loving God is. There are so many still struggling who need a way out. What I have found is this: God is the only One who gave His only Son for us so that we may have everlasting life. Jesus died for my sins and I owe Him everything, and my life is to worship Him.

About the Author: Ashley Smith

She is married to her husband Micheal and they have three beautiful children.

With a mix of  pop, soul and pure worship Ashley aspires to
reach into the heart of her listener to help them connect with
their Father. Her heart is striving to reach this generation by
accurately touching on daily life struggles while being sanctified
by his grace.