“It’s Okay to Not Be Okay” by Amy George
It’s Okay to Not Be Okay
-by Amy George
I recently heard someone talking about why bad things happen to people. He said, “Instead of asking God why this terrible thing is happening to you, ask Him how He can use it.”
My first thought was, “I bet you’ve never lost a child.”
It may sound harsh. It may sound judgmental. But, it was what immediately came to my mind.
I am no expert on grief. I’m not a counselor or a therapist. I haven’t received any professional training on how to handle tragedy.
But, I have held my child as she slipped from my arms into the arms of her Heavenly Father. I have cried and begged God for answers. I have searched for the words to try to explain to her twin sister why she survived and her sister didn’t. I have questioned what I did wrong, what I could have done differently to try and save her life. I have been faced with the truth that I will never know what it’s like to watch her grow up on this earth. What would she have been like? Would she have looked like her daddy or me? Would she have loved to dance like her youngest sister, or would she have loved to play sports like her twin? What would it feel like to hug her as an 11-year-old, the age she should be now? I’ll never see her graduate from high school or college, I’ll never see her get married, I’ll never watch her have children of her own. My heart will forever have a hole that won’t be healed until I see her again.
Grief is a journey. And over my 11-year journey, something has bothered me as a Christian. It’s all wrapped up in the statement that caused such a reaction in my soul recently: Instead of asking God why this terrible thing is happening to you, ask him how He can use it.
Oh, if it were only that easy.
I understand the sentiment. And I think Christians who say this to those who have received devastating news probably mean well. But, as someone who knows what it’s like to have your world ripped apart, those words can sting to the core. They imply that we should be “okay” with this bad thing that is happening. That instead of grieving, we should just accept it. After all, as Christians, we tend to believe that tragedy is our opportunity to show the world how strong our faith is. Not to ask why this terrible thing happened, but to ask God how he can use it.
I can assure you, that thought didn’t enter my mind when my daughter, Melissa, died.
I can’t put into words how I felt when the realization set in that my daughter was gone. Just going back to that place in my mind, is still so painful eleven years later. I remember waking up from my emergency caesarean section and my nurse’s phone ringing. I remember her saying, “Amy, we need to go to the NICU.” I remember lying in that hospital bed and being pushed through the double doors of the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at Huntsville Hospital for Women & Children. I remember seeing my husband at the end of the room, holding a beautiful baby girl with a head full of black hair. And as we got closer, I saw the tears streaming down this face, and the look of anguish as he sobbed and said to me with his voice cracking, “Amy, I’m so sorry.” He handed her to me and I held her in my arms for the first – and last – time. And in that moment, I knew. In that split second, my life was changed forever.
During the days and weeks that followed, I went through all of the stages of grief.
It began with denial. The hours, even days, after her death felt like a bad dream. Surely I would wake up and she would still be here? I dreaded closing my eyes at night because as soon as I fell asleep, I would see her face. Then I would wake up to be reminded over and over again, that my daughter was gone and she wasn’t coming back. It was an agonizing and vicious cycle.
The anger stage followed, and it was often directed at God. In the weeks leading up to her death, when my husband, Chris, and I were faced with the realization that Melissa might not make it, we prayed fervently. My faith was so strong, and I truly believed there was no way my daughter was going to die. Yes, the road might be bumpy. Yes, she would be sick and she would probably spend many days in the hospital, but I truly believed there was no way she was going to die. I memorized scriptures, I wrote Bible verses in a journal. I asked for a miracle, and I truly believed we were going to get one.
But, we didn’t. And because of this, my faith was shaken in a way I had never experienced. I cried to God. I begged him for answers. I quoted Romans 8:28 to him and told him I didn’t believe it, because I just couldn’t see how my daughter’s death was “good” for me. Why didn’t you save her? I had faith. I believed. If you had just saved her, I would have told everyone of this miracle. It would have brought glory to you. How in the world can you claim to love me, and then take my daughter from me?
Those questions scared me. The anger scared me. I had never felt this way. After all, I was a Christian. I had never questioned God or his motives. I had always accepted that things happened for a reason, but that platitude fell flat as the reality of a life without my child set in.
Why in the world was this happening to us? That was the question I begged God to answer. It never occurred to me to ask him how he could use this tragedy. I just wanted my daughter back.
And here’s the thing: I believe that’s okay.
The Jesus I serve, the Jesus I stake my life on, knew grief. He came to earth in human form. He felt pain here. He felt loss. He grieved.
“Jesus wept.” – John 11:35. If you don’t know any other verse of the Bible, you probably know this one. Two simple words but, over these 11 years, I’ve realized those two words speak volumes to those of us who have experienced loss.
Jesus’ dear friend, Lazarus, was sick and once Jesus arrived, Lazarus was already dead. The Bible tells us that both of his sisters, Mary and Martha, said to Jesus, ‘If you had been here, my brother wouldn’t have died.’
Oh Mary and Martha, I get it. I know the pain of crying out, ‘Jesus, where were you? If you had just shown up, she would still be here! Why in the world did you let this happen? Why didn’t you save her?’ Their words, their emotion, their grief is so real in this chapter. They believed in Jesus, they believed he would heal their brother, but he hadn’t shown up in time. I get it. I’ve felt it.
Verse 33 tells us when Jesus saw Mary weeping, “he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.” And verse 35 tells us that Jesus cried, too. He loved his friend. And even though He knew He was going to raise Lazarus from the dead, and their grief would soon turn to joy, He felt great compassion for Mary and Martha, and what they were going through.
And as I came to understand this side of Jesus, it changed the trajectory of my own grief journey.
I don’t serve a higher power that is just floating through time and space. The Jesus I love came to this earth to experience life as we do. The joys, the pain, the exhilaration, the loss, the excitement, the devastation – he experienced all of these emotions. The good and the bad, he felt them all.
I believe that as my heart was breaking over the loss of my child, Jesus hurt with me. I believe as I fell on my face in my bedroom closet one morning and lashed out at him in anger, he felt nothing but compassion for me. This was never how God intended this world to be. He never meant for us to experience pain, and loss and hurt. These emotions are the consequences of sin entering the world. And during those times when I cried out to Him in anger, in pain, begging Him to explain himself, I don’t believe He was disappointed in me. I don’t believe He was wagging his finger at me, and shaking His head that my faith was so small. I believe He hurt with me and longed to wrap his arms around me.
I don’t believe God expects us to “okay” when bad things happen to us. Okay with the loss of a child or a parent or a spouse, okay with a cancer diagnosis, okay with the destruction of a marriage, okay with broken relationships that rock us to the core. And I think as Christians, we need to stop implying that we should be.
It’s so easy to say those things when life is going great. When everyone is healthy, when your kids are safe, when your marriage is working. But what happens when tragedy hits and your world is turned upside down?
I believe for many, they put on a brave face because they believe that’s what Christians are supposed to do. They pretend to the world that they are okay with this devastating thing that is happening to them, because they think it shows how strong their faith is. And on the inside they are dying, crying out for answers. And instead of wrapping our arms around the hurting and acknowledging that sometimes this life is awful, we spout worn-out clichés – “God will never give you more than you can handle” or “everything happens for a reason” – that just fall flat. What if instead of rattling off empty phrases or Bible verses that they aren’t ready to hear yet, we just agree with them that the situation is awful? We admit that it just doesn’t make sense to us, either. And we love them. Like Jesus loves us. This is how they will see Christ in us.
If you are experiencing loss – the loss of a loved one, a devastating diagnosis or illness, a broken marriage, relationships that have been ripped apart – I believe it’s okay to cry out to God for answers. It’s okay to admit to Him that this makes absolutely no sense to you. It’s okay to tell Him how scared you are that you even dare to feel this way. It’s okay to tell Him that you feel like your faith is being ripped away, and you don’t know what to do.
I said all of those things to Him in the wake of my daughter’s death. In those early days, I never could have asked Him to show me how He could use my daughter’s death for His good. I didn’t want her death to help others; I just wanted her back. I don’t believe that made me a bad Christian. I think it made me human, a sinner saved by grace.
But as the seconds turned into minutes, and the minutes turned into hours, and the hours turned into days and the days turned into weeks, I began to see glimpses of how He was working. I eventually came to a place where I could say, “Jesus, how can you use this?” He began to lay this idea of a non-profit foundation to help other babies and families on my husband’s heart. When Chris first shared it with me, I balked at it. I was terrified of what it would mean to open our hearts in such a public way. I was scared of what it would mean to share our grief and loss with others. “There has to be another way, a way that won’t hurt so bad,” I thought.
There wasn’t. And as God continued to lay it on our hearts, I prayed this prayer. “God, if this is what you want for our lives, then you have to take over and do it, because I cannot.” And He did. In eleven years, the Melissa George Neonatal Memorial Fund at Huntsville Hospital Foundation has raised $2.4 million for the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at Huntsville Hospital for Women & Children. I have had the honor of talking to mothers whose babies have used the medical equipment that we’ve been able to purchase. I have also held the hands of mothers and cried with them when that medical equipment just wasn’t enough. Nothing we have accomplished is because of Chris and Amy George. It is because my Jesus can take anger and hurt and pain, and instead of condemning us for it, He makes something beautiful out of it. Oh, what amazing love.
I can see the truth in Romans 8:28 now. I can see the “good” that has come from her death – people in our lives who were drawn closer to Christ, my own faith going from being shattered to strengthened, the thousands of babies and families whose lives have been touched through Melissa’s Fund. I see it now. It doesn’t mean I’m “okay” with her death. I still miss her desperately. But I can see how God has taken something that could have wrecked our lives, and has used it to bring glory to Him.
HOPE is “my word” now. It’s the only reason I can attempt to get through this life without Melissa. I still don’t fully understand why my daughter had to die. I still struggle with the right words when trying to explain it to her sisters. I still grieve. I still cry out to God. I still question why our family had to endure such loss. I will never be “okay” with losing her.
In those moments, I grab hold of Hebrews 10:23. “Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful.” This verse has become my lifeline. I believe with all of my heart, that my Jesus is faithful and will continue to meet all of our needs. And as He restores my heart on this earth, I believe that He will one day restore our family – all five of us. I will see my daughter again. I will hold her. And my heart will finally heal. I believe that with every fiber of my being. It’s the hope that allows me to live this life and to endure the pain that comes with it. He who promised is faithful. And until that day, I rejoice in the fact that I serve a God who knew pain. Who felt loss. Who “gets it” when I am hurting. Who doesn’t expect me to be perfect, but only asks me to be obedient.
I don’t believe Christians have to be “okay” with tragedy. Or loss. Or pain. You aren’t a terrible Christian for asking why. You aren’t a terrible Christian for telling God how hurt you are, how angry you are, how confused you are that this awful thing is happening. You are human. He created you. He knows you intimately. Be honest with Him, and allow Him to do the work that only He can do.
He who promised is faithful.
(photo credit, Erin Cobb)
47 Comments
Thank you seems like not enough to say, but, THANK YOU. You and your family has blessed so many people thru this tragedy.
This has touched my heart and you expressed so well feelings I have when bad things happen. Jesus hurts when we hurt just as we hurt when our children hurt. I needed to read this today and we both know it was no mistake that it was in front of me. Thank you
You are an amazing writer Amy! Your journey, so eloquently written, is one to be shared! Thanks for letting us in to see and feel a part of it. So many words of wisdom. Thank you my friend!
It is the 2 year mark since we said good bye to our son. As you said the pain is still so real. You can’t believe that your broken heart is part of God’s plan, but like you said slowly you see signs of God’s work. As a Christian I call out to God daily for his grace. I have had these words echoed to me instead of asking Why? Why not? You are no different than any other person who has lost a child. Maybe not but it is our families’ personal journey and I think that each journey is so unique yet so similar for those of us who live with this loss. Thank you for sharing.
Oh Amy, this touches me to the core of my soul. I thank God for you for sharing this truth. I would say more but I’m crying, crying because for once I’ve heard transparency on grief.
Your pain could have made you forever bitter. You chose to make life better for others. That took courage, resolve, and the guidance of Jesus. You have demonstrated how to find His perfect peace.
I said I will see you again one night without a response cause my child was unable too and even though its been 7 years it seems like just moments ago I watched my parents when I was younger say goodbye to my brother even thou his body was never found ,I remember not understanding why their pain never went away . You never ever really get over it you learn to deal with it. god bless all of us who have lost a child and I am sure God has plans for all of us in his own special time . thank you for the article I needed it !!!
Amy…. Sitting here wiping tears from my eyes….. Such transparent words, Raw emotions, words of hope and Gods promises are exactly what all of us could hear over & over throughout this life as a constant reminder in both good and bad times. Love you, my friend…..
Our son left this world five very long years ago. He battled brain cancer. He was 13.
I cannot thank you enough for sharing these thoughts. I have such admiration for you.
Amy, Thad said this is beautiful! I cried all through reading this to him. I felt we both needed it. I am struggling so much right now. Love you and thank you for sharing your words.
Amy, this is so well written and I want to thank you so much for sharing your story. I lost my son to diabetes when he was 18 and my life has not been the same. There will always be a void. I am a Christian and he was too and I miss him every day. Thank you for sharing your journey. God Bless you and your family!
I lost my adult son in April and I have cried to God for mercy. I have asked Why me and as my son was on the road face down from a four wheeler accident, I was screaming to God it’s me God,it’s me.We will never be the same.
I have lost so much. My marriage is just an existence cause my husband is transgender. I have grieved my marriage and my husband. The Lord tells me to stay in the marriage. It does take a toll on me but I only have my sanity from God. Keep me in your prayers.
Thankyou for your words on ok we lost our daughter to cancer 8 years ago we will never be the same our family will be forever changed but through hope and gods love we will go on and live the life god has giveven us until we see our daughter again in heaven. May your family be blessed
God bless your family for all you do, Amy! I believe if Christians don’t tell the truth about our lives we just lose credibility . My mother still has a tender place in her heart for her twin that didn’t survive after 89 years. Thank God we can see a future!
What a blessing this was to me
Amy this is beautiful, I cried as I read this, I also lost a twin and ever word you spoke is how I feel. I catch myself wondering what she would have been like. Thanks so much for this. May God continue to bless you and your family.
Amy as I sit here with tears flowing I can say for the first time in the nearly 20 yes since my baby’s heart quit beating at 51/2 months somebody else felt the same way I did! Nobody understood! I felt the same way about my faith and relationship with God! I questioned him and I felt so ashamed for doing that! Thank you for the realse t hat I just felt after all this time!
What a blessing these words have been to me on this early summer morning. My loss is a very different type of loss…but one that leaves me choking in sorrow. Such truth in your words. Thank you for allowing God to be glorified through your pain.
Amy, thank you for sharing the real hurt, and what life is really like of how things are when a parent looses a child. I too, experience all that and more. Every person’s journey is different according to their tragedy. Six years seven months ago I began this horrendous journey. My two sons were murdered. The man was not charged, he walks free. I have prayed for you and I and my husband need your prayers too. We are Christians and Heaven holds much treasure for us. I also had a miscarriage 43 years ago and my arms have long to hold that child too. We do not have any other children, no grandchildren, or daughter in laws. I often wonder what God’s plans are in all this.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I haven’t lost a child but I am the daughter of the mother that has lost not one but two sons. I am a Christian and until you have been thru something like this I don’t think you understand.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I lost my son 6 years ago to MS. He was 32 and my only baby boy. I felt every emotion you talked about. I always ask him to watch over his kids and sisters. My youngest daughter had a son and named him after Christopher. On May 10, 2014 (4 years after my son was gone) my youngest daughter gave birth to her second son. Now it is a happy/sad day. Thank you so much for sharing.
Amy you & Chris have done wonderful things in the name of Melissa for the NICU. We lost our daughter 16 yeas ago this month & I too think about her & what her life would be like. You are an inspiration to others.
Amy thank you for your beautiful words and honesty. This is the best article I have ever read on grief. You put in writing what I have felt all these years after experiencing my own grief. You are a blessing to all that know you and our community. Much love to you and your family!!
Thank you Amy. You are inspiring to many of us who have lost loved ones. I know you will help many who have lost a child or love ones. Thank you for sharing your story.
“HOPE” is exactly right Amy! A crown is waiting for you and your family when entering into those gates of heaven! You are brave encouraging mother with true faith to pass on for other to see how real life is about. Thank you for sharing, I pray that God continues to bless you and your work for other families who experience similar situations as yours. One of my many favorites, Phil 4:13!!
God is good ALL the time. ALL the time God is good.
You nailed it. When I went through my own ordeal fifteen years ago, I knew without a doubt that the Holy Spirit was right there every step of the way, hurting alongside me. I have had to remind myself very often in the years since that the fall of man led to the world being imperfect and bad things happening. God willed and designed a perfect world; man failed the test and we have to live with the results. As you said, looking back, I can see where God worked good from the bad, which is amazing and faith-affirming. I’m not glad my ordeal happened, but I acknowledge that it has been used to bring me and others closer to Him. I know he didn’t want it to happen to me though. Thank you for writing this truth and sharing it with others.
How can I get a copy of this post I know a young lady who needs to read this
Email button between post and comments, same page as posting.
Thank you for writing this. I needed to read this right now. I lost my precious daddy in April. He was 53 with no known medical problems. He had just arrived at my house to help me with a broken dishwasher. He collapsed in front of me and my two sons, ages 3 and 4. I tried performing CPR but he never regained a heartbeat. It was horrifying. I cannot get his face out of my mind, I cannot get my sons voices asking “what’s wrong with Poppy?” Out of my mind. I am going through the anger and guilty stage. Why couldn’t I have helped him? It’s so painful to answer questions from my 9 year old daughter who was “a Poppy’s girl”. I cry, she cries, my boys cry. I just want to wake up from this horrible dream. The only thing that keeps me going is my faith, my church family and knowing that one day I will see him again in heaven. I’ve been reading your blogs for years now. I’ve met you a couple times here and there in the community. You have a precious family and you inspire me to keep going and to keep trusting. My prayers are with you!
There’s some real truth in this. Questions arise that no one can answer. Hope, trust and faith are all questioned, and the advice you get rarely does anything but make you look into the questions harder. It’s good to hear about people that have gone through this and come out the other side with their sanity and faith still in tact. We are in the process of walking through this grief and I pray that we see first hand the good that comes out of this…
This is wonderfulAmy. Thank you so much for sharing
I was blessed with Twin boys in 1977; however one only lived 5 days & his brother only lived 2 months ; I know ur pain I was only 21 years old. I had so many questions why God would give me something so precious & take them away ; my precious daddy always told me u don’t question God he has his reasons for everything that happens good & bad ; well I know that is so true; Because 18 months later I had Twin Boys ( June 4 1978) they turned 38 years old this year 2016 ; I have been blessed with 4 grand-children ( no twins) ; I feel truly blessed now to look back God has a reason for everything that happens ; So very Thankful that God gave me a second Chance to become a Moma !!
“Hope” is a great thing to hang on to! Thinking about that helps me! Amy I had such a chaotic year last year, but God blessed me through BSF, our small group, and you in particular. As I come to terms with my diagnosis and as new symptoms pop up, it helps me to know others have grieved over all sorts of losses. Thank you for sharing and for encouraging me! PS, I am excited for you to see Melissa again…hope! But in God’s timing. You have much to do here first.
Beautiful testimony, Amy. This song immediately came to mind. Please listen as I feel it will be a blessing to you and Chris.
https://youtu.be/qyUPz6_TciY
Beautiful testimony, Amy. This song immediately came to mind as I read it. Please listen to it as I feel it will bless you and Chris.
https://youtu.be/qyUPz6_TciY
Amy your story is a blessing.
I lost my 22 year old 3 months ago. I am not where you are. I hurt to my core, and miss my child every minute of every day. I do not see not see peace in my future, but…
Amy, what a beautiful read! I have not lost a child but I do have health issues and “HOPE” is my new faith word. I met you years ago at WHNT, when I was visiting my cousin Damian. I pray you and your family continue to be blessed.
May God cont to bless you and your family as you seek to serve Him and may we all cont to be blessed in the doing and in turn may we be a blessing to you and others. To God be the Glory!
I appreciate so much your clarity in articulating your loss and your faith. We have known each other from a distance, but I am thankful for the acquaintance – for the opportunity to give to Leah Price to help Melissa’s fund. But mainly, I want you to know you’re teaching so many by your example and your Christian growth.
Amy, your heart-felt expression of the deep hurt you and Chris experienced in the loss of your precious Melissa has touched so many lives and will continue to do so as you share your thoughts and feelings about your journey. God has given you a talent to write about your
experience with loss and grief in a way that brings praise and
glory to our Savior and Lord. I pray you will one day write a book. God bless you all!
Amy, I lived in Huntsville for 13 years but now live in Lebanon, TN. On Monday, July 25, the 18-month-old son of one of our Wilson County Sheriff’s deputies drowned in the family’s swimming pool. When the time seems right I want to share this with Caleb’s mama and daddy. This is one of the best pieces on grief I have ever read. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your essay. We lost our beautiful tiny 22 week preemie daughter, Annie Lee, on August 2nd, 18 years ago. I ache just like that night even though we were blessed enough to have her triplet brother and sister that will be celebrating their 18th Birthday on September 5th.
Thank you for your words of faith. We lost our son in May 2016 to a rare cancer. Bless you and your family,
Amy, so sorry for your loss, but what an encouraging message to all of us who have faced these difficult times in our lives. Yes, I lost my son five years ago. He was 44 years old and fell dead in his drive way with a massive heart attack. What a shock it was. But without God in my life, I could not have made it. He has helped me all the way, and I feel closer to Him each day. God Bless You and Your Family
This is such an inspiration thank you for
Sharing this.