Phone Calls to Heaven

 

To anyone who has ever felt the sting of rejection, I pray this love offering gives you hope. Due to the fact I am still wrestling with some fresh pain, I have chosen to keep my name anonymous. Most of the time we receive the blessing of hindsight wisdom from others who have weathered the storm, as God brought beauty from their ashes. But it is also beneficial to walk alongside others while the wounds are still healing. Wherever this lands in your life, know that you are not alone. You will get through this and be stronger, wiser, more peaceful and joyful in the end. I am speaking those words over myself alongside you as I type.

 

I recently listened to a sermon and Pastor Chris Hodges pointed out the good in helping those who are facing the same struggles as you. I know what it feels like to stumble across an article that speaks directly to me. Every time I feel myself torn on a particular topic, praying about the possible negatives from voicing my opinion… I remember that feeling. That’s not something that I want to keep from others if at all possible.

 

Rejection is my number one heart blockage. It kept me from letting God fully into my heart for so many years. I built walls made of broken relationships, defensive remarks and loneliness. I stacked them as tall as I could around my heart for the better part of my life. The rejection and abandonment that lingered under the surface of a 15-year-old girl that struggled so badly to be accepted could have very well been the end of me. But this is a redemption story, remember?

 

I would be lying if I said I didn’t have a pain of jealously wash over me every time I see a loving relationship between a father and a daughter. I went out of my way for over 20 years to be the daughter that I thought I needed to be. I was pleasing, obedient, made good grades and held down my corner of the world, but none of this ever seemed to win me any long-term approval. It took me a very long time to learn that no child should ever have to WIN approval from their loved-ones.

 

“…I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever.” Psalm 52:8

 

After years of shielding myself from unpredictable situations, that I’ve been told over and over again that I’ve exaggerated, I was so happy to finally have a relationship with my dad that I called him usually more than once a day. Need boy advice? I called my dad. Not sure I was liking my intro classes? Called my dad. A little homesick? I’d call my dad just to talk. I was finally receiving attention that I had all but begged for over the last two decades.

 

I finally felt loved and accepted and that was my mistake. My hope and worth was placed in an earthly man that could never fill the holes that had been left in my heart. I’ve learned to take responsibility for placing my faith in anyone other than God. I cannot tell you the tremendous weight that was lifted off my shoulders the day I decided to stop being that angry little girl. When I stopped blaming others for my pain, the pain was no longer eating me alive.

 

Recently I was blessed to marry a wonderful, patient and kind man, literally the man of my dreams. I sent my oldest friend out into the crowd to scout for my father’s face. Ten minutes before I walked down the aisle, she snuck back into the room to report that he was nowhere to be found. My bridesmaids in blue all hugged my neck, as they walked out of my bridal suite to line up with our groomsmen. I took a deep breath, as that angry little girl started to stir in my heart.

 

What kind of man doesn’t even RSVP to his own daughter’s wedding?

 

I caught a glimpse of the boutonniere and corsage meant for my father and stepmother as my Maid of Honor closed the door behind her and I felt the tears welling up.

 

I caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror and whipped a tear from my cheek.

 

“Not today Satan.” (Don’t get me wrong. I am not calling my father Satan, but Satan was sure using him to hurt me in this moment.)

 

I continued to pace and prayed for the one person in my life that I have allowed to hurt me the most. I prayed for his heart; I prayed for his wife and I prayed blessing over both of them.

 

And I REALLY meant it.

 

I prayed that I would have the strength to be a wonderful wife and hopefully, one day, a wonderful parent. I prayed that my dad’s absence wouldn’t hurt my mother’s feelings as badly as it hurt mine. I prayed thanks for the wonderful stepfather that’s raised me and that he was waiting for my mother to walk me down the aisle.

 

As my wedding planner swung open the door, my hands were still stretched out, when I noticed the peace that had washed over me. It occurred to me, as I rounded the corner, that my FATHER was walking me down the aisle after all.

“For this is what the LORD says: “I will extend peace to her like a river, and the wealth of nations like a flooding stream…’ Isaiah 66:12

 

I had several people recommend Lysa TerKeurst’s book Uninvited to me over the last year. I added the name of the book to my ever-growing “Books I Need To Read” list. This past December the book was gifted to me by my very best friend, just days after my dad “uninvited” me from his life.

 

Remember when I said that I write so that other’s can feel like I’m writing to them? Well Lysa gave me the extra push I needed to remind others that no man, even your father, could deem you worthless.

 

“If God is good and God is good to me, then I must fill in the gaps of all the unknowns in my life with a resounding statement of trust: God is good at being God.

 I don’t have to figure my present circumstances out. I don’t have to fill the silence left behind in another person’s absence. I don’t have to know all the whys and what-ifs. All I have to do is trust. So, in quiet humility and without a personal agenda, I make the decision to let God sort it all out. I sit quietly in His presence and simply say, “God, I want Your truth to be the loudest voice in my life. Correct me. Comfort me. Come closer still. And I will trust. God, You are good at being God.”

Lysa TerKeurst

 

In the past few months I’ve felt myself longing to call my dad when something good happened in my life; knee-jerk reactions die-hard. I wept the first time I realized that it was probably not a good idea to open that door. Longing for approval from a historically hurtful relationship does not help with that rejection heart blockage that I spoke of. It may benefit me to call and try to connect today, but I’ve learned when I need to talk to my FATHER, HE’s always got an ear open.

 

I’ve gone back to my daily phone calls, and yes, they are still more than once a day. My HEAVENLY FATHER always wants to listen.

 

In this world of often ignored, declined or angrily answered calls for approval, phone calls to HEAVEN are ALWAYS ANSWERED by a DADDY who is available and delighted to talk!

 

 

Tags: Huntsville, Lysa TerKeurst, Our City On A Hill, rejection, testimony, Uninvited